Of all things Indian

Imagine a foreigner wants to relocate to India. What lessons can you give him? The below might come in handy. 

How do you drive in India? You are driving your car and you see an auto in the front flashing the right indicator. What do you do? There is a 90% chance that the Auto is going straight and 8% chance that the Auto is going to take a left. Don’t worry about the remaining 2%. Overtake that Auto on the right.

What if the Auto actually turns right? Don’t worry. You hit that Auto. Park your car and argue with the Autodriver asking him/her why he took the right turn.

You are going in your car, and you see a minor accident happen in front of you. A car has hit some other car. What do you do? You stop your car and join the 50 odd people who have gathered to watch what happened. Don’t worry about doing anything. Just watch till you get bored. Once you get bored, just tell some one to call the police and someone else to call the ambulance. But the important thing is, don’t do anything. Don’t worry about any pressing office commitments. They will be there everyday.

Now you have reached the office and take the lift. What do you do? You stare at the other people around you. Be comfortable with other people staring at you as well.

Now you go on a family vacation. Assume that a family of 6 goes on a vacation and you take the train. What do you do? First thing is, pack everything that you have at your home as if you are going to shift houses. Then the important thing. Pack your lunch, dinner, next day’s breakfast, lunch and dinner. You reach the railway station and the train arrives. Get in and occupy the first available bay on the train. The train usually has seats of 8. You stuff all your luggages under the seat and lock them. Don’t leave a space for anything else or anyone else to put their stuff in. Next, the important thing – you ask whoever has reserved that seat to go and occupy the seats that were allotted to you. In some cases, the seats may be in some other compartment which are located 0.5 KMs away. Don’t worry about it. The important thing is for the family to stay together.

When the TTE/ticket collector comes, tell him/her all the adjustments that you have made so that he/she gets confused enough that he/she doesn’t check your tickets.

Next – you go to a marriage – what do you do? Go for shopping first. Get a Sherwani or a pyjama kurtha  and wear that just to blend in. Don’t worry about all the Indians who are in western outfits. The important thing is for a foreigner to look Indian in a marriage.  Go meet all the 3,000 people who have come for the wedding and shake hands with them.

 (to be continued)